All I have an urge to do is pen down. I want to pen down every thought that crosses my mind. It is crazy the amount of processing our brains do. It is so powerful. Our thought our ability to process it.

I am pondering about emotional reactions. Different situations bring out myriad reactions in people.

What touches me to core? 

Molestation: It tugs at something very deep down inside. I am not sure if every female has the same intense reaction to it. I know everybody is against it. I have this sinking feeling every time I hear about it. I feel like I can cry when I read or hear about it. It twists something inside and I want to forget. 

Yes, as a kid /teen / women, I have been molested. I never had to face the trauma of what other women/kids had to go through. I have this urge to run away from that news. I have this urge to run to that women and just wipe off that pain. Because I think it would be worse than how I feel about it. It would be unimaginable. 

Every time someone has made a pass it nailed something inside me. The first time I was ever molested was when I was 10. Yes 10. It is not something that has started to happen today. That is how it has been. It never stopped. All public places gave men an opportunity to make a pass.

Someone might argue it is a norm. Yeah everyone gets made a pass at sometimes. But as a 10 year old, as a kid as a teen, I felt sickened every time it had happened. One more nail hit in. All that has touched some part in which is still sore, which still hurts when I see or hear someone else going through it.

It hurts. It makes me cry. It stirs turbulence inside me.

 A Long Life

I am reading a book by Deepak Chopra “Ageless Body Timeless Mind”. Why? The title intrigued me.

My presumptions about the book were wrong. It is not about looking a certain age or trying to or anything related to that. It is about longevity and living longer with a healthy body and mind. 

There is a lot of information about research and statistics related to leading a longer life.  We are in an age where we live longer. A statement in the book “You are reborn at 50”, put my though wheel in motion. How amazing!!! We can easily live to be 80 to 100. I know people who are past 80 and very healthy and going about their business without any dependency whatsoever.

How absolutely fantastic!!! (One of them is my granny and I look a lot like her. So I am secretly hoping I have more of her genes)

I find it exciting because it suddenly lets you imagine a lot of possibilities. Yeah, even if we don’t live long life is still full of opportunities. But the idea excites me. It gives me more enthusiasm and courage to take all the typical decisions I make. 

Buy another house? Why not? It is a typical 30 year old decision. I am not worried. Yeah so I am buying a house, another mortgage. Isn’t it not letting me do other stuff? I don’t care. Till the time I can figure out what the other stuff is. If some other stuff excites me, I will do what needs to be done.

The idea of making “learning” a part of life makes more sense.  How cool it will be to know another language and go and live in that country. (My house today will pay for that living then. Get it? )

 I am not assuming old age comes with ill health. People around me seem to be doing rocking at past 60. My gene pool is pretty fantastic that way. I will work better on my lifestyle.

 Reading more books make sense to me (it always did irrespective)

The generation gap will reduce. Imagine my mum at 100 and me at 80. We both will be old.  But it won’t feel like it does now.  My daughter would be 50. She would be turning into what we today call old. How awesome. We all might be on similar pages.

The transition from this phase to that one is going to be a rocker.

And I know death is not certain. It is mystery and what not. Who cares? I am not going to live as if it is my last day. If it was, I would not know what to do. I am going to live as if I have forever to live. It seems far more exciting to me.

“may you live a long life of health and gladness” – Irish blessing quotes.

 Judgements

I don’t know if I was judged at all before I got married. Maybe I was, but I always heard only good thing. Hence it didn’t matter I presume

I got married one day. N it slowly started to sink in. The world judges you all the fuckin time.

Do you have a house?

How big is it?

Is it well kept?

Do you fight?

Do you look like you are in love?

How long since you are married? Arranged or love?

Do you have kids?

When did you have kids? So soon? So late?

C section or normal?

What does your baby weigh?

Fair or dark?

Good looking or not?

Milestones?

Breast feed or no?

Milestones? Not yet crawling?? Mine does.

Already on solids?

Well behaved or no?

Are you stay at home? Why?

Are you working? How can u do that?

No second house? Why second house? Enjoy life instead

Too frivolous. Invest instead.

Not having a second one kid? Why second?

And from 26 to 31 – I came across one or more of these.

From 0 to 25 I never ever felt judged. Either I was perfect (socially) or I didn’t care or I never heard them.

What about now?

A lot of them have tugged at me.

A lot of them I haven’t given a damn about.

And I want to not give a damn about any that are in store to come.

So what are those that didn’t affect me?

The ones I was confident about.

The ones that I would never choose any other way.

The ones I did because I truly wanted to.

There were some I learnt o give a damn about

My house keeping skills and cooking!!! Legendary. But hurt me at the beginning. I have grown up in a society where girls are expected to be able to do that. I never thought I would not be able to.

I was taken aback!! And How!!

I rewired myself. I went from trying too hard to be too rebellious.

Neither worked.

I stepped back accepted myself. This is who I am. But it is my life and my home. I have a certain responsibility towards it. I assumed that responsibility and gave it my best. Not the best the world expected out of a girl.

That worked. Worked like a charm.

Now I am a parent.

If I thought married girls were judged the worse. I didn’t see this coming. Parents are judged the most. They are judged even beyond the 4 walls of their homes.

But my initial rewiring worked.

Its like when you have to stand on one feet, you shake a bit. But you gain your balance.

I still shake a bit. I still drop the other leg. But I give a damn.

I am happy with the minutes that I can stand steady on one leg.

I have faith in myself.

Faith in myself.
That worked. That works.

(Now I am labeled selfish, stone and so on and so forth.. who cares?)

The quotes on judgement are too judgemental.

Inspired Action

Inspired Action – Something all Loa readers/believers have heard of. “Actions that come naturally to you or Actions that you just want to do”

I understood the meaning of the words in that sentence. But never really knew it or realized it. Just yesterday, while talking to Bitches, I understood what it really meant.

For instance:

I have always been a jhalli / part tom boy. Girl far away from dressing up. Almost close to shabby. There have been times when I have really tried, but I eventually returned to my old ways. During my conversation I realized, that now it just comes naturally to me. It’s something I enjoy doing. (Let’s be honest I am no fashion diva.. or even close to it) . But I am shifting towards being dressed up. I have always loved shopping like any other mortal. But that didn’t mean I utilized all of it. I want to now. I love to dress up and go out. (make-up still eludes me) That’s the difference, even trying on makeup feels like a task and I eventually don’t do it.

So, this simple thing taught me what “Inspired Action” is.

I believe now, that anything we love doing we should look into. It shows our likings and inclinations. It is pretty obvious when I say that. But sometimes the smaller things you want to do, which come naturally to other people, we overlook.

What I learn?

-         Whenever I feel like doing something I should just do it. Weather it fits into the society norms or it is rebellious. Don’t bother. I am guilty of branding people obsessed with looks and clothes as idiots. But if I would not have taken this dressing thing up because I thought a certain way. I would have never known the pleasure it gives me.

-         Give in to your urges.

-         Sometimes just explore. I think if I am not sure how I feel about something I should give it a try. It’s only then I can know what I truly feel about it. There are things that someone / peers /close ones might be doing, that I don’t really feel comfortable with. I don’t need to try that. Or explore that as per my above point. The discomfort  might mean I am not yet ready.

I am going to explore travel. I don’t have an opinion about it. I want to know how I feel about it. It doesn’t excite me too much, but doesn’t make me uncomfortable either. It makes me curious. And let’s face it, its no risk at all ;)

“Anything that gets your blood racing is probably worth doing it”

P.S: This post is an outcome of inspired action : Technically and Figuratively